Grief #3

Not believing you will see your deceased loved ones again can cause excruciating anguish. The pain is unbearable, tearing at your heart and soul. Conditioned beliefs add to the continuous torturous thoughts dragging us deeper into the abyss of sadness and despair.

I just knew in my heart of hearts, that the religious belief system with which I had been brought up, was at times difficult to embrace as truth. The belief encompassed the idea that the body and the personality remain in the grave until the second coming of Christ.

Cremation was not an option. Apparently, it is after the second coming of Christ that the dead will rise from their graves.

I always struggled with that concept. I felt that belief system had nothing but potential for incredible pain for those who had lost loved ones, especially children. Watching my family at the grave sites, weeping and greatly saddened, I knew the ones they grieved for were not in the cold ground, but beside us, trying to communicate and comfort us.

My husband and I agreed to being cremated, during one of the many conversations we had regarding death. At his funeral one of my relatives felt it necessary to remind me that cremation was in the eyes of God a "sin". Dealing with other's beliefs and values may add to the overall pain. Not to be influenced by others will take strength and forgiveness.

I have since concluded that the one we grieve for the most is ourselves. The lives we lived before our loss, changed dramatically. A part in us has also died; we will never be that same person again. That chapter has ended, a new one begins.

There is no death; it is only the relinquishing of one form for another.

As energy is constant, only form changes.

Theo

Grief #2

There are many life's situations within which one grieves. Everyone grieves differently. No instructional manuals could provide you with the directions you need to take. There are many traveling on different paths, you will have to rely on your own personal guidance system. It's not easy to choose the one which is best for your soul's growth.

For some, the first introduction to grief maybe the death of a pet, or an animal in the park.

It's somewhat a gentle experience of loss and an opportunity for the integration of the concept of death into one's mind. It brings about an opportunity to ask questions and establish a belief system to be carried forward until one is able to find one's own answers.

It's not just a death of a loved one that triggers grief. It is grieving the end of a relationship, a job, losing a home, one's youth, or an opportunity to do what one desires in life. They are all losses and leave an emotional imprint in the mind and soul.

The choice of how to deal with the loss is a crucial decision which would lead one down many different paths. Each requiring more lessons before getting on the right road to one's intended learning in this life time.

Loss of any kind can be challenging to deal with. Our past conditioning and family beliefs and values have great influence on our own reactions and coping abilities. Our religious beliefs certainly play a big role. Humanity and society as a whole used relatively similar approaches for decades; the attitude to death hasn't changed much.

More people have been foregoing the big funerals, expensive coffins - decisions made riddled with guilt; many are choosing cremation instead, unique personal boxes or vases and a simple family gathering - a celebration of life. Refusing to be ruled by established behavior, beliefs and traditions.

The whole idea of change could be very frightening and difficult to implement. New beliefs and behaviors are especially not easy to integrate into one's life. Humanity appears stuck in a paradigm of suffering. One thing for sure, is that grief brings about a lot of sorrow, pain , guilt and suffering.

Either not having a last opportunity to say "Goodbye" or not wanting to say what you should have said, for fear you would, in some strange way, be responsible for creating the unbearable. The pain of dealing with unresolved issues after the passing is a difficult process and may take years to fully heal.

Frightened by the belief that the end of the body is the end of self, one grieves for loved ones and for one self. We are told not to make any rash decisions for two years, because one is not able to think clearly and logically. This is wise advice. It could sometimes be a very long and painful process to move on with one's life.

The body dies, but the spirit that transcends it cannot be touched by death.

Ramana Maharshi

GRIEF #1

There are many opportunities to travel down this path, as we journey through life. The choices we make while dealing with our sorrow, determines the road we must travel. Until, once more, a major life event brings us to another intersection. There - we pause and choose again!

I was not a stranger to grief. Over the years I had lost many family members along with a number of friends. The funeral home was starting to be too uncomfortably familiar.

At that time in my life, there was the necessity of having to continue with day to day issues; I didn't have the time to dwell on the loss, nor did I have the desire to search more deeply into the mysteries of life and death. It wasn't until I lost my husband of 40 years, to a boating accident, that I desperately wanted to heal not only the pain of my loss, but also the pain of life.

The weight of the intense pain in my chest was relentlessly suffocating. I searched for anything that could give me some relief, not really finding any adequate answers or even temporary solutions that could lessen the pain. One day, a documentary on the television- a PBS channel - interrupted my constant crying ; I sat quietly for two hours listening to Wayne Dyer's words "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change". I desperately wanted to change the things I was looking at, which was complete heart-break and despair.

I decided to search for some direction and relief from all the emotional turmoil. I connected with a Hospice and Palliative Care Group. They initially would phone me and listen while I tried to spill out my inner pain. I also attended group meetings, where suggestions were given as how to redefine oneself, having lost a loved one - either by death or divorce. How to move forward in the next phase of one's life.

Being together with "like minded people" in similar situations was very supportive. It was comforting to know I wasn't the only one experiencing similar feelings and issues. For a lot of those that attended, it was very helpful, and I would certainly recommend getting in touch with such groups that may be available in your community.

Always being a bit of a loner, I found walking very beneficial, listening to audio books on my mp3 player as I walked long distances, still looking for answers.

What really served my soul was volunteering. To be of service to others, drew my mind away from self and focused on others. My life felt worthwhile again, contentment found its place back in my heart as I drove home in peace.

"Holiness created me holy.

Kindness created me kind.

Helpfulness created me helpful.

Perfection created me perfect.

(ACIM p1.W.67.2:3-6)